Stop Abuse Campaign

25,000 call on NY to call a rape a rape!

admin — Mon, 20 May 2013 19:05:46 +0000

Click here and become one of the 25,000+ calling on NY to call a rape a rape!

New York’s Rape is Rape Bill proposed by Assemblywoman Aravella Simotas will redefine rape adopting a consistent standard of contact rather than the current standard of penetration, further it will call forcible oral and anal contact what they are – Rape.

There are many reasons to support this bill. Here are our top three:

Rape is not just a legal term
Consistency with a National Standard
Respect for victims

Rape is not just a legal term

Making the legal definition of rape consistent with the everyday meaning of rape will make prosecutors jobs easier. It will also clarify in a post Steubenville world that rape is rape. There should be no excuse for abuse. The law should set clear, easily communicated standards that we, the public, can easily understand. The Rape is Rape Bill does that.

We looked at Google’s search data to see what we the people search for when we enter the word rape, the most searched for term is “was I raped.” Other top search terms include man raped, boy raped, guy raped and anally raped.

“I don’t have a vagina, but I was raped as a child” Andrew Willis, New York

Sadly both straight and gay men get raped, almost 1 in 6 of them as children, and in a state that recognises marriage equality we believe we should also recognise rape equality.

Consistency with a National Standard

After significant public consultation and debate Attorney General Eric Holder announced revisions to the Uniform Crime Report’s definition of rape, stating that this would mean data reported on rape will better reflect state criminal codes and Victim Experiences.

The new definition of rape is: “The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.” The definition is used by the FBI to collect information from local law enforcement agencies about reported rapes. The Uniform Crime Report is well respected and nationally quoted including by the New York Times and the Wall Street Journal.

The longstanding, narrow definition of forcible rape, first established in 1927, is “the carnal knowledge of a female, forcibly and against her will.” It thus included only forcible male penile penetration of a female vagina and excluded oral and anal penetration; rape of males; penetration of the vagina and anus with an object or body part other than the penis; rape of females by females; and non-forcible rape.

Labelling differing forms of rape, vaginal, anal and oral rape will continue to reinforce a view of difference when in fact the root causes of the crime, power and control, and the victim impact are exactly the same.

Respect for victims

For victims like Lydia Cuomo to come to terms with being raped is hard enough, for the justice system not to recognise rape as rape is to re-victimise victims in favor of perpetrators. New York should pass the Rape is Rape Bill. The revised definition of rape sends an important message to the broad range of rape victims that they are supported and to perpetrators that they will be held accountable.

A distinction between Rape, Oral Rape and Anal Rape as proposed in the Senate legislation perpetuates the intractable fallacy of “real or legitimate rape” as contrasted with violations of the mouth and anus as not real rape. Rape is rape and it should be simply known as such.

Our petition to redefine rape in New York State has now attracted more than 25,000 signatures.

Philip Culhane – A child abuse survivor fights law protecting predators

admin — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 04:25:40 +0000

This is Philip Culhane who traveled from Hong Kong to participate in last week’s Child Victims Act hearing in New York. Please join us in thanking Philip for his brave testimony by asking your friends to sign our state petitions. This is the testimony he gave:

Good morning. My name is Philip Culhane.

A bit about me. I grew up in New York City, in Brooklyn and Greenwich Village. I attended Poly Prep Country Day School in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, beginning as a fifth grader in 1976 and graduating in 1984. I went to college in Massachusetts and then went on to New York University School of Law. I went to work for a large Wall Street law firm, eventually moving to my firm’s Hong Kong office where I have been for the last 15 years. I am married and have two children, a 10-year-old daughter and a five-year-old son.

A story of fulfillment, success, love and driven accomplishment. But there is another narrative.

From 1966 through 1991, Poly prep had on staff a serial sexual abuser. He was the football coach. He was a legend. He was hired the year I was born. At one point while I was Poly, when my friends were on the team, the team was undefeated for three and a half years. He was a legend and also a serial sexual abuser. He repeatedly abused me starting when I was 10 years old.

Polly Prep

At some point I managed to make it stop and he allowed me to escape, perhaps because he had so many other options. What did I do? I packed it away. I told no one. Not a soul. I assumed that it was somehow my fault and my pain to bear alone. I sensed then that others knew, the teachers, the administrators, the community. How could they not? It was happening every day to many children, year after year. It was just a thing that happened.

And who would dare to challenge the coach that put Poly football on top and helped open the wallets of so many alumni? And so I buried it deep. I didn’t forget but I refused to remember. I refused to remember so well that by the time I was 14, 15, 16, I lived a life seemingly unaware that it had happened. For years my mind never went inside the room I had put it.

And so I went. I went on to many good things. Always, though, there was an undercurrent. Something lurking. A good life but a life also beset by recurrent bouts of depression. A swirling storm that would arrive and sink in and I would have to fight my way out.

And so many years later my daughter was born, and then my son. My son was born when I was 43. And it all began to explode into my life. I saw myself in my son and the question, ‘How can I protect him, how can I protect my children from something that I was unable to protect myself from?” became relentless and overwhelming. I didn’t have an answer. And that is when my world exploded. This is how it works. The science shows this. Years later, like a time bomb, a life-changing event, marriage, the birth of a child, is a trigger and then resolution of some kind must be found.

And this is the core of the problem we are here to discuss today. The statute of limitations guarantees that in all but a tiny minority of instances, there will be no accountability for sexual abusers and, of critical importance, no accountability for the institutions, schools, churches, administrators, that harbor the abuses and seek to deny and work desperately to cover up, to avoid scandal. Desperate and deeply immoral actions and decisions are made rather than good decisions that take responsibility and seek to reconcile.

And so where are we? As a society, as a polity, as a community? We have a law that simply does not work. A law that guarantees injustice. This is not the purpose of the law. I am a lawyer. I studied jurisprudence at NYB, the study of the philosophy of law, the purpose, power and methods of the law.
Finality has value and must be respected and provided for in certain circumstances. For breach of contract, for a situation where the harmed party knows he or she has been harmed and has the presence of mind and standing as an adult to decide rationally what to do in response. I am an adult. I slipped on a banana and broke my hip. It happened in the lobby of a building. I have the, for example, three years in which to bring suit against the owners of the building for their negligence in not keeping their lobby banana-peel free.

Note the stark differences. What we are talking about today is the sexual abuse of children, children being molested and raped. The mind of a child does interesting and profoundly complicated things in the aftermath of these experiences. The adolescent seeks to survive and thrive, not to process the experience in the context of within how many years from when I turn 18 should I sue the people who did this, who allowed this to happen to me.

What do we need to do? We need to demand stridently that the time has come, for our society, for a society that we want to be a good society, a society in which people are free and empowered to live good lives, to demand and declare enough, the statute of limitations must be abolished for a set of behavior that amounts to rape, a crime against the soul, against still-forming adolescent minds. And we know we are going there. We are at one of those moments in history when we all know this will happen. Football, Penn State, Poly Prep, brought this issue into the living rooms of all of America. If before people could turn the other way, say it’s just some problem in the Catholic Church, now football has shown this problem, this injustice, to be American. Our problem. Our challenge to fix.

There will always be ill, sick people who need help and don’t get it and who abuse children. We know this. To fight this, to help police against this, we need every institution that has primary care for children, schools especially, to understand that where we are going is zero tolerance and total accountability. Abolishing the statute of limitations will achieve this. If institutions know, know that what they see in front of them but deny, if they know that accountability will be had when the situation is discovered, we will have powerful allies in the fight for the safety of children. As a society we will convert the institutions from enablers, concealers, deniers, to a force for vigilance against abuse and for the protection of children. We will help these institutions return to their primary mission. The nurturing of children. We will end the litigation and their desperate attempts to deny.

In our case, the case against Poly Prep, we worked, we fought, for three and a half years, just like that undefeated Poly football team from the early ‘80s. Fighting denial and a defense that said even if it all happened, it doesn’t matter, because the statute of limitations has run. The details aren’t at this point hugely critical. What is relevant is that the case settled. We found a measure of justice. But at what cost? Three and a half years. Twelve courageous men, each supplying a piece of the factual puzzle. One brilliant attorney. A huge investment of blood and treasure. Leading white-shoe law firms defending the school. Battle after battle. And at the end, a measure of justice came.

Two things I want to note. First, we had extraordinary facts and an extraordinary combination of committed plaintiffs and brilliant lawyering. But how many victims are going to have this? Have this, odd to name it so, this fortuitous combination of factors? Not many. We know this. For the huge majority of both victims and schools and institutions, there is no justice, no accountability. What did we prove? We proved that Herculean effort and the coming together of 12 men, one incredible attorney and a set of facts worthy of Dante’s Inferno bring it all together and justice and accountability can be had.

Second, what did we achieve? We didn’t change the law, we nudged it maybe, we established RICO, we established that possibly the statute of limitations could be tolled and the primary actions heard, but no fundamental change in the law. We achieved a small measure of recompense to 12 men. But what else? The world took note. Critically, schools took note. There are other schools in the NYC area who are today clearly behaving differently in response to abuse allegations. Why? Because they see the cost of fighting accountability. They know there is a better path, an inevitable path, a path to cooperating with society’s need, victims’ need, for just and accountability, finally for reconciliation.

Who are we protecting by these statutes? Institutions, schools, churches, teachers, administrators, priests and fathers, about whom we all instinctively recognize that they have the highest moral and ethical duty to protect our children when we as parents as community members give our children into their custody. They are charged with the academic and ethical and moral teaching of our children. We all know in our hearts that the highest standards of conduct and vigilance in the care of our children apply.

Finally, let me tell you one more story.

Imagine that right now your child is being abused, raped, at school. He or she is not going to tell you or anyone. He or she is going to bury that event so deep that it won’t return until 15 years from now, 20 years from now, when she has a baby, when he marries. And I tell you right now, as this is happening, an administrator, a priest, a father, knows and is doing nothing. And I tell you, your child has grown up and suffered mightily and then explodes into crisis. And I tell you the law offers you and your child no justice, no accountability, no resolution. No one lies. No one makes up a story that elicits shame, makes too many people turn away at the discomforting need to face the unspeakable. This story is a true story.

Our choice, our society’s choice: Protect the children? Make a just society? Or protect administrators and teachers and institutions that did wrong, that continue to do wrong? Grievous wrong. And so I ask you, what are we going to do? We are going to abolish the statute of limitations. We are going to pass laws that impose harsh penalties for the failure to report sexual predators. This is what we are going to do. We know this. It’s just a question of how long. How long? Not long. As Martin Luther King famously enunciated and declared, the arc of the moral universe bends towards justice. It’s time. The safety of your child demands that we take action and abolish the statute of limitations for these crimes.

How long is too long to report a rape in your state?

admin — Tue, 12 Mar 2013 19:10:31 +0000

Advocates want to end the statute of limitations on civil and criminal litigation against rapists and child molesters.

New York’s Rape is Rape bill—which would include forced oral and anal penetration in the legal definition of rape—suffered a huge setback last week when a major Republican backer of the bill, New York State Senator Catharine Young, retracted her support, arguing that juries will reject the idea that forced anal or oral penetration constitutes rape and refuse to convict.

That notion is a slap in the face to people like Andrew Willis.

“I may not have a vagina, but I was raped as a child,” Willis tells TakePart.

It took Willis decades and a 2008 suicide attempt before he finally came to terms with his abuse.

Then, he became an advocate.

Willis is the cofounder of Stop Abuse Campaign. His organization is at the forefront of attempting to bring New York’s (and the rest of America’s) rape laws into the 21st century. Not only is Stop Abuse Campaign one of the primary backers of New York’s Rape is Rape bill, it is making a nationwide push to end civil and criminal statutes of limitations on reporting crimes of sexual violence—particularly sexual crimes against children.

In Minnesota, Stop Abuse Campaign is backing the Child Victims Act, which would end the statute of limitations on civil litigation against perpetrators of child sexual abuse. Minnesota law currently states that child victims have until six years after they turn 18 to bring legal action against their attacker.

Willis argues that allowing civil litigation isn’t just about compensating victims—it can be a means of preventing further abuse:

Read the full story on takepart.com

By Matthew Fleischer

Sign the Rape is Rape petition and then each of our state petitions to lend your support elsewhere. Don’t see your state listed below? Become a Cause leader for your state and we’ll help you get started! It’s easy to do and more importantly, you’re helping stop abuse.

Be the change you wish to see and become a Cause leader for your state. We’ll help give you all the tools and information to get you started today.

Rape is Rape petition

www.causes.com/california

www.causes.com/florida

www.causes.com/minnesota

www.causes.com/newjersey

www.causes.com/newyork

www.causes.com/oregon

Now is time to protect children not pedophiles

admin — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 21:55:21 +0000

It’s time to stop blaming victims

To support our petitions to change statutes of limitations click here.

America, why do we insist on blaming the victims of crime more than the perpetrators? ”But surely we don’t!”, you say! But the fact remains, we do. Our laws governing rape, especially child rape, make America out to be a country more protective of predators than of children. Today, most of our states arcane laws, impose arbitrary limits on how long a rapist has to wait before they’re off the hook to go on molesting more of our children.

Here’s how it happens, in most states statutes of limitations mean that 5 years after a child reaches 18, i.e. when they’re 23, their abuser is protected by law. Given what we know today about a victims ability to talk about child abuse, that’s just wrong. Pedophiles don’t retire, they don’t wait till the 5 years are up and then stop abusing kids! As we have seen from the cases of the Boy Scouts, the Roman Catholic Church and the Sandusky Scandal once abusers start to abuse kids they usually continue till they are identified and stopped.

Worse still, victims have to continue to live their lives, silenced by a lack of justice, while society protects their abusers by law.

Eliminating statutes of limitations works, changes in California identified over 300 pedophiles.

Opponents of change argue that statutes of limitations encourage early reporting but their argument is flawed. If it wasn’t we would not need change, but almost a quarter of our kids are still getting sexually abused, for that reason alone we need change. The question we get asked most often is why people wait to tell, we like this answer from a British newspaper, The Guardian, talking about the disgraced Cardinal Keith O’Brien who has resigned just 36 hours after complaints of inappropriate behaviour by three priests and an ex-priest. Now the story has plunged the church deep into crisis.

“But why had the men waited so long to report allegations dating back to the 1980s? The answer is that people who have suffered trauma are not public property. They have the right to come to terms with it in their own time and express it in their own way, when they are ready. Being ready can simply be a collision of circumstances. Often, it’s as straightforward as realising you are not the only one.”

To support our petitions to change statutes of limitations click here.

To read the full story of how Cardinal Keith O’Brien then Britain’s Catholic leader fell from grace click here.

True Love Honor Roll

admin — Thu, 24 Jan 2013 15:54:03 +0000

THIS HEART’S FOR YOU!

WELCOME TO THE ‘TRUE LOVE’ HONOR ROLL.

HERE WE HONOR THOSE WHO HAVE REACHED A SIGNIFICANT LEVEL OF GIVING AND MEANINGFULLY IMPACTED THE SUCCESS OF THE ‘TRUE LOVE CARD’ AND OUR ABILITY TO CONTINUE THE HARD WORK HERE AT THE STOP ABUSE CAMPAIGN.’

FOR ALL YOU DO TO STOP ABUSE, THANK YOU!

KENNY AND ANDREW

This Valentine’s Day give True Love to the ones you love

admin — Thu, 17 Jan 2013 18:13:49 +0000

DOUBLE CLICK THE TRUE LOVE CARD ABOVE TO ORDER YOUR VALENTINE’S TODAY

With your help love CAN conquer all

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. The day we remind ourselves, and all the
special people in our lives, just how much we love them. How lucky are we, to be so
cherished.

Not everyone is that lucky. Millions upon millions of men, women, children and seniors
have no idea how ‘love’ feels. All they feel is the pain of abuse. Physical, sexual,
verbal, emotional, financial.

But your love can help heal their pain. Not just for a single day, but forever more.

Donate at least $10 to Stop Abuse Campaign. In return we’ll mail your true love a one-of-a-kind
Valentine’s Day card, with any message you want. A True Love Card. A truly, true love
card.

Because in addition to telling your one-and-only how you feel, it also speads your
message of love to all those in need. And to all of us, who need to be reminded we can,
and must, stop abuse.

$10. Less than a heart-shaped box of chocolates. And so much sweeter.

DOUBLE CLICK ON THE TRUE LOVE CARD TO SEND YOUR VALENTINE’S DAY CARD TODAY.

And help us spread the love.

Thank you for all you do to stop abuse.

Kenny and Andrew

The Stop Abuse Campaign

Hitting your child out of love

admin — Mon, 07 Jan 2013 18:59:25 +0000

Spanking…most of us have a very personal connection to spanking, as in most of us were spanked at home, at school or both. Most of us turned out okay in spite of it or BECAUSE of it some would say. What do you say? We asked the question as part of our awareness campaign on spanking and hope you take a quick second to answer our poll: Should You Hit Your Child?

Below is an article by Steve Hendrix that we found interesting. Also here are some links to previous articles we have published here on Spanking.

Thanks for all you do to stop abuse.
Ken and Andrew

Poll: Should You Hit Your Child?

http://stopabusecampaign.com/feature/be-an-american-hero-stop-spanking

http://stopabusecampaign.com/feature/who-is-beating-your-kid

http://stopabusecampaign.com/feature/why-spanking-doesnt-work

Illustration by Anna Parini

By Steve Hendrix, Published: January 3

George Holden envisions a world without spanking. No more paddling in the principal’s office. No more swats on little rear ends, not even — and here is where Holden knows he is staring up at a towering cliff of parental rights resistance — not even in the privacy of the home. When it comes to disciplining a child, Holden’s view is absolute: No hitting.“We don’t like to call it spanking,” said Holden, a professor of psychology at Southern Methodist University and head of a newly formed organization aimed at eliminating corporal punishment in the United States. “Spanking is a euphemism that makes it sound like hitting is a normal part of parenting. If we re-label it hitting, which is what it is, people step back and ask themselves, ‘Should I be hitting my child?’ ”For centuries, of course, the answer to that question has been yes for a huge majority of families. We’ve been unsparing of the rod, spanking our children just as we were spanked by our parents. And there’s precious little evidence to suggest we feel much differently today. While the percentage of parents who say it’s okay to occasionally spank a child has declined marginally in recent years, that “acceptability level” still hovers between 65 percent and 75 percent nationally.And surveys that measure actual behavior reveal even higher rates of moms and dads willing to whack. Depending on how you ask the question, most surveys show that between 70 percent and 90 percent of parents in this country spank their kids at least once during childhood. In 2013 America, spanking a child is about as common as vaccinating one.But Holden and a growing number of children’s advocates still believe the time is right for a serious effort to endnhas been passed by 33 nations in Europe, Latin America and Africa (soon to be 34 when Brazil becomes the largest country to outlaw spanking in final action expected this year).

So far in this country, even limited anti-spanking laws have gone nowhere. A 2008 proposal to make it illegal to spank a child younger than 3 was greeted with howls of nanny-state overreach in the California Assembly before being withdrawn. In 2011, a bill targeting some of the more extreme physical discipline measures that have been considered “reasonable corporal punishment” — hitting with dangerous objects, punching with closed fists, shaking toddlers younger than 3 — was hooted down in the Maryland Senate.

“I had legislators telling me that they had not been spared the rod when they were young and look at them now,” said State Sen. Jamie B. Raskin (D-Montgomery), the bill’s chief sponsor. “It’s really entrenched in the culture. I do think we need a social movement against violence in the home.”

And that is just what most of the new paddling prohibitionists have in mind. Knowing how Americans would recoil at the idea of Big Brother stepping between the parental palm and the child’s bottom, their goal is to drive spanking out of the culture. They want to tarnish spanking’s image as a normal part of American life with a sustained behavior change campaign along the lines of the ones that cut smoking rates in half and made drunken driving a national taboo.

Continue reading here

President proclaims National Slavery and Human Trafficking Prevention Month

admin — Sat, 05 Jan 2013 01:14:09 +0000

As the New Year kicks off, President Barack Obama proclaims January “National Slavery and Human Trafficking Prevention Month” as he reminds the nation that protecting human rights remains a founding principle of America and one of the nation’s top priorities.

The proclamation reads:

“This month, we rededicate ourselves to stopping one of the greatest human rights abuses of our time. Around the world, millions of men, women, and children are bought, sold, beaten, and abused, locked in compelled service and hidden in darkness. They toil in factories and fields; in brothels and sweatshops; at sea, abroad, and at home. They are the victims of human trafficking — a crime that amounts to modern-day slavery.

“As Americans, we have long rejected such cruelty. We have recognized it as a debasement of our common humanity and an affront to the principles we cherish. And for more than a century, we have made it a national mission to bring slavery and human trafficking to an end.

“My Administration has been deeply committed to carrying this legacy forward — beginning with trafficking that happens on our own shores. We have strengthened protections so all workers know their rights, expanded efforts to identify and serve domestic victims, devoted new resources to dismantling trafficking networks, and put more traffickers behind bars than ever before. In the months ahead, we will continue to take action by empowering investigators and law enforcement with the training they need, and by engaging businesses, advocates, and students in developing cutting-edge tools people can use to stay safe. We will invest in helping trafficking victims rebuild their lives. And as one of the world’s largest purchasers of goods and services, the Federal Government will keep leading by example, further strengthening protections to help ensure that American tax dollars never support forced labor.

“Our commitment to stopping human trafficking does not end at our borders. As a leader in the global movement to combat this scourge, the United States has renewed sanctions on governments that harbor the worst offenders. We have partnered with groups around the world to help men, women, and children escape their abusers. And recognizing that no country can meet this challenge alone, we have aided others in addressing modern slavery’s root causes, and encouraged nations across the globe to pass comprehensive anti-trafficking laws, enforce them rigorously, and care for survivors.

“We know the road ahead is long, and change will not come easily. But as we renew our pledge to erase modern forms of slavery from the face of this earth, let us also draw strength from the movements of the past. We recall the words of the Emancipation Proclamation — that every life saved is “an act of justice,” worthy of “the considerate judgment of mankind, and the gracious favor of an Almighty God.”

“We reflect on the Amendment that wrote abolition into law, the decades of struggle to make its promise real, and the Universal Declaration of Human Rights that has drawn nations together in the pursuit of equality and justice. These achievements once seemed impossible — but on this day, let us remember that they were not, and let us press on toward the future we know is possible.

“NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim January 2013 as National Slavery and Human Trafficking Prevention Month, culminating in the annual celebration of National Freedom Day on February 1. I call upon businesses, organizations, faith-based groups, families, and all Americans to recognize the vital role we can play in ending all forms of slavery and to observe this month with appropriate programs and activities.

“In witness whereof, I have hereunto set my hand this thirty-first day of December, in the year of our Lord two thousand twelve, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-seventh.”

10th Annual Hawaii Conference

admin — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 20:16:47 +0000

EARLY REGISTRATION RATES UNTIL JANUARY 31, 2013
Discounts Available to Students & Groups.
ONLINE REGISTRATION
or go to
www.IVATCenters.org

VIEW CONFERENCE BROCHURE

4 FULL REGISTRATION SCHOLARSHIPS AVAILABLE
COURTESY OF ALOHACARE
If you are a local of Hawai`i and interested in attending our Conference,
please send an email application to Malou Indon - mindon@alliant.edu.
(Travel not included / First-come, first-served basis)

HOTEL INFORMATION
Stay At the Ala Moana Hotel & Save!
$129++ Kona Tower or $149++ Waikiki Tower (Single or Double)

Reserve Room Online: https://resweb.passkey.com/Resweb.do?mode=welcome_ei_new&eventID=10404663 Reserve Room by Phone:
(800) 367-6025 /US or Canada
(800) 446-8990/Neighbor Islands
(808) 955-4811/Direct

Reference: IVAT Trauma Conference

Volunteer & Attend the Conference for Free!
VOLUNTEER FORM

Institute on Violence, Abuse & Trauma at
Alliant International University
10065 Old Grove Road, Suite 101
San Diego, CA 92131
www.IVATCenters.org
(858) 527-1860 x 4030
IVATConf@alliant.eduH

Resident Guru, ‘Ask Lala’ talks daycares and nannies

admin — Sun, 30 Dec 2012 14:51:46 +0000

Hello and love to all,

So many have wanted to know about choosing daycare and nannies that I thought this would be a great topic to explore and share with everyone.

Hiring someone to take care of your children is one of the biggest decisions any parent can make so we asked our experts at NPEIV for some advice, “When you are hiring a Nanny what steps can you take to ensure the safety of your children?” They gave us a comprehensive list of important things to consider before, during and after choosing a care giver for your child. We hope this helps with the daunting task of choosing the perfect nanny or day care for your little one, because he or she is counting on you!

Live in the Light!

Lala

Tips for Selecting a Daycare Provider

*Begin researching child care options several months before it becomes necessary.
*Utilize the local licensing agency which oversees child day care. Most states have an agency which licenses, monitors, and investigates complaints against licensed care providers. Usually the information is public, and can be accessed by request. Once a parent has a choice in mind, the parent can read through the history of prior inspections and any complaints previously filed. Contact the state or county agency responsible for providing this service.
*Be careful when utilizing private referral agencies. There are a lot of internet and other private child care referral agencies which, usually for a fee, will provide child care referrals in your area based on need, age of the child, and location. This can be a useful service, yet most do not provide any guarantee regarding the quality of service. Very few referral services conduct comprehensive background checks on the day care provider and any other adult who resides in or frequents the home.
*Before deciding on a day care, spend some time observing daily operations. Legitimate day care operators will be willing to have a prospective parent drop by and observe for a small amount of time. If this is not allowed, for whatever reason, it may be a red flag.
*Never use an unlicensed day care provider! There is no legitimate excuse for not being licensed. Make yourself familiar with the basic licensing requirements in your area and keep those in mind when beginning to make contact with child care providers.
*Make contact with current and previous clients. Insist on at least five references, three of current clients, and at least two prior clients. If a child care provider doesn’t wish to provide references from prior clients, it may be a red flag and should be a factor in your decision.
*Make child safety your top priority! This appears to be a no brainer, yet in my experience, six years of monitoring and investigating abuse in child day care, parents make decisions based on three primary factors: convenience, scheduling, and price. Child safety of ten is way down on the list in the decision process.
*Make sure you can drop in unannounced if you wish. Most good care providers understand parents’ anxiety when initially placing a child in someone else’s care. They should be willing to accommodate a parent in order to help ease the initial anxiety. If this is not allowed, find someone else!
*Know what to expect before the first day in care. Become familiar with the routine, services, and expectations the provider has before leaving your child for the first day. Unexpected surprises can be a source of turmoil between the parent and care provider. This often translates into a compromising of the care provided.
*Make sure everyone who needs to be is fully cleared by the state or county agency. Most care providers are required by law to obtain clearances on any adult residing in the home. If there are adult children, relatives, roommates etc.. they should all be cleared. It pays to be familiar with the makeup of the home, and to be assured that any adults residing there have had the proper clearance checks done.
*Be clear on who provides the direct care of your child. Sometimes child care providers use family members etc. to help out and even cover if they need to run an errand or take care of business. One large and uncomfortable surprise can be encountering someone you are not familiar with when you drop in or pick up your child. It pays to be very clear with expectations as to who can care for your child.
*Make sure the day care is a proper fit for your child. Not all day care situations are for all children. One that primarily cares for pre-school age children is not usually a good fit for an infant or toddler. The structure and care requirements are vastly different.
*Make sure you know what pets are in the home or yard. Large dogs and other potentially dangerous animals are usually a bad idea for child care providers. If there are pets at the home, make sure they have the required vaccines and are managed properly. Observe them around the other kids prior to placing your child there.
*Pay attention to red flags! It doesn’t pay to ignore uneasy feelings, internal alarms and situations that make you uncomfortable. Confronting red flags up front may serve to avoid difficult decisions once a child is placed in care.
*Get to know some of the other parents using the child care you decide on. Becoming familiar with some of the other parents will help you get a broader picture of the care being provided. Make a habit of talking with them and comparing their experiences to your own.
*Periodically drop in unannounced. This is the best way to get a glimpse into what really happens each day where your child is being cared for. Be realistic and don’t overdo it, too much of a good thing can become a distraction.
*Observe your child each day! Make a habit of looking your child over for any signs of abuse or neglect. Be reasonable, not hyper vigilant. Become familiar with signs and indicators of abuse. If you observe something concerning, ask the care provider. Make sure the explanation is plausible and reasonable. Note: (most care providers are required by law to submit incident reports on any child injury.) If your child is injured, you should obtain a copy of the incident report.
*Talk to your child daily if they are of verbal age. The best source of information about what happens each day is your child. Get into a habit of asking them casually about what they did today, who was there, and routine things like meals, snacks, and nap times etc. Keep it casual, but be regular about it. Talk with the care provider each day, before and after. Don’t make it a habit to run in and out when dropping off or picking up. Communicate any concerns or needs when you drop a child off, and casually find out each day what happened, what was eaten, etc. when picking up.
*Have a plan B available if there is an urgent need to make a sudden change. This is actually one of the primary reasons children remain in care, even after a parent realizes there is something not right. Parents are often trapped into their jobs and routines and find it very difficult to make a necessary decision even after the evidence is clear that they should. Having a backup plan available will help if there is a sudden and unexpected need to change the care arrangements.
*If there is an incident of abuse that occurs with your child or any other child in care, notify the proper authorities! Law enforcement, CPS, and licensing staff are equipped to conduct comprehensive investigations and then act accordingly. Something you report may end up saving other children from harm. Don’t try to take on your own investigation. It will likely cause more harm than good!

Tips for Selecting a Nanny

*Find a reputable agency with a significant track record. There are a number of nanny referral and placement agencies which are barely established or, “fly by night.” Make sure when using a nanny placement agency to find one that is well established, stands behind their placements, and is properly bonded.
*Make sure the potential nannies are subjected to current and recurring background checks. Nannies who work for an agency must be cleared by a background check which includes fingerprint clearances, (FBI and State), and Child Abuse Index checks, most states have some form of a database which collects information on child abuse allegations. These checks should recur usually every six months at a minimum.
*Make contact with references provided by the agency. Once again, the reference list should be comprised of current and former clients. Follow through with the contacts and have an idea of the questions you wish to ask the references.
*Ask to view any records compiled from agencies which may monitor nanny placement services. Very few states have any formal monitoring of in house nanny placement agencies. For those that do, ask to see those records. Usually there will be some form of monitoring, even if it is the business licensing agency at the state level. Research this, no source of information is unimportant.
*Verify stability and background of any potential in house child care provider. It is important that any person being brought into your home can be verified. Often people who sign up with agencies can be in the country illegally and/ or not who they claim to be. Make sure the agency is taking steps to verify the identity of the prospective care provider. If the individual is recently immigrated and possibly undocumented, it can be difficult to get a comprehensive background check with no established track record.
*Make sure all expectations of the care worker are clear on both sides. An in-house care provider can be a great help and a fantastic convenience. The fact they are in your home throughout the day makes for a potentially volatile situation. Parameters and expectations need to be very clear and discussed up front. Make sure you communicate your expectations and have it signed in writing, and agreed to by all parties.
*Make contact with individual references! Good in house care providers don’t often change positions and can be very valuable. If a potential caretaker is referred to you, a lot of movement from one family to another can be an immediate red flag. Be thorough in checking out references and reasons for departing other placements.
*Invite a prospective in house care provider over. Spend some time with this person who may be responsible for your children and have access to your home. You will have a chance to observe them, and your child can have a chance to become familiar with this person as well.
*Lock up anything you don’t wish the in house care provider to have access to, including the liquor cabinet. A parent needs to maintain an ongoing level of vigilance, don’t make any assumptions. Most work environments don’t have access to liquor etc. the work place that the care provider functions in shouldn’t either.
*Make frequent un-announced drop ins. The advantage of having someone care for your child at your home is that you can drop in at any time. It’s your home! Make a habit of this and the care provider will respond because they know that you may come home at any time. Don’t do so in such a way as to create an adverse relationship, be friendly and casual. As trust develops, it will be less necessary.
*Check your child and talk to them if possible just as you would if they were in care out of the home. Be vigilant and aware of what is happening with your child and look for any unexplained injuries or changes. Make note of how comfortable your child is, any odd reactions or sudden changes in disposition. These could be red flags.
*Use monitoring devices if at all possible. One other benefit to an in house caretaker is that you have a right to install monitoring devices if you like. Technology is always advancing and there are several affordable devices available which can be easily installed and accessed through a remote computer. It is custom to let the caretaker know this is in place, but not necessarily where the devices are installed. This type of monitoring can go a long way toward helping a parent feel comfortable.
*Have a plan B in mind if necessary. Just as in the case of out of home care, if there are red flags or circumstances which warrant a sudden change, have a backup plan in place which will help to assure you are acting in the best interest of your child.
* If there is an incident of abuse that occurs with your child, notify the proper authorities! Law enforcement, CPS, and licensing staff are equipped to conduct comprehensive investigations and then act accordingly. Something you report may end up saving other children from harm. Don’t try to take on your own investigation. It will likely cause more harm than good!
*Remember always, you as the parent are the authority on what is best for your child! Always act toward what is best and safest for your child!

Got a question? Lala@stopabusecampaign.org

Laura Fogarty joins the the Stop Abuse Campaign online community with a brand new column we call, Ask Lala! If you have questions or concerns or you’re in need of some guidance about abuse of any kind just Ask Lala!

If it’s help or expert advice you need, Ask Lala! If it’s someone to listen and understand an issue or problem, Ask Lala! Lala not only speaks from her own insight and wisdom as a survivor, mother and author, but through our partner, npeiv.org, is directly connected to America’s leading experts across the field of abuse. She offers their wisdom and insight as well. No matter the question, no matter the abuse, Ask Lala provides personal insight and professional guidance. Lala will select letters to share and answer (each week online). If we publish your letter you will remain anonymous.